In At the Deep End Read online

  ‘There’ll be so many people,’ I say. ‘Drew might not enjoy it.’

  ‘He enjoyed the AGM a few weeks ago.’

  ‘You’re going to the Maritime Museum gala at the end of the month, aren’t you? We’ll see you at that. And you’re welcome to come to Avalon. Drew’s with me every weekend.’

  There’s a silence. ‘Commander Amundsen wants to meet Drew.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘As you know, he’s been refusing to attend the dinner. But he called an hour ago and said he’d consider coming if you and Drew were there. I assured him you would be.’

  ‘You had no right. Tell him I’ll be there, but not Drew.’

  ‘He already knew you’d be there. He obviously wants the two of you.’

  ‘Meaning he wants Drew. What’s he playing at?’

  ‘He’s asked to meet him a number of times, ever since you had the fall at the beach. I’ve explained that Drew hasn’t been well, that I’ve barely seen him either. I think that’s why he’s been holding back. Seeing Drew splashed all over the papers last weekend might have prompted this.’

  Per wouldn’t want to question Drew about The Watch going down—he decided I was to blame months ago. Does he want to ask him about Brazil, in the hope I’ll progress in the pool more quickly?

  ‘I think Per wants to use Drew to get information on me. The answer is no.’

  ‘Think it through, Harry. Drew was in fine spirits last weekend. And he’ll like the commander. You know he will.’

  ‘Why didn’t Per tell me this himself?’

  ‘Probably because you always think the worst where he’s concerned. He wants me to get back to him and confirm everything tonight. He called by satellite phone, off the coast of Darwin.’

  Per told Liam he’d call me later in the week. I assumed he wanted to talk about going back to the pool. Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps he wanted to talk about Drew.

  ‘I don’t like to be manipulated. If he wants to see Drew, he can see him at Avalon.’

  ‘Harry. Why complicate things? The commander has made a simple request to meet Drew, a famous mariner and founding member of the Scott Foundation, at an important annual event. If you can’t accommodate that, he’ll want to know why. I’ll want to know why.’

  There’s a lump in my throat. ‘He always gets what he wants.’

  ‘Look on the bright side. The fact he’s coming to the dinner will benefit the fundraising effort. And I’ll personally pay for a driver to pick up you and Drew and take you home afterwards. Then you can have a champagne or two without worrying about driving home.’

  My geography class must see from my expression that I’m upset. They work silently at their desks while I type an email to Per.

  Per. I’m preparing a post on Amundsen’s character traits. The way I see it, Amundsen was arrogant and dictatorial, and (at the very least) cruel and unfeeling. What do you think? Harry

  Harriet. Amundsen was firm in his beliefs. He focused on what had to be done to achieve his objectives. He was also practical—eating his sled dogs (I presume your ‘cruel and unfeeling’ refers to this) got him and the rest of his party back to base camp alive. This was an outcome Scott and his team were unable to achieve.

  I’ll see you on Saturday. Per

  CHAPTER

  24

  Per is waiting for Drew and me in the valet area of the Intercontinental Hotel. He’s wearing his dress uniform, his shirt starkly white against the black of the jacket. His hair is shorter than when I last saw him—he must get it cut every fortnight because there’s never a hair out of place.

  The doorman opens my door and I wait on the footpath as Per helps Drew from the car. He puts a hand under Drew’s elbow to steady him. Then he introduces himself, and holds out his hand. Drew responds, shaking vigorously. He notices the red, white and blue insignia embroidered on Per’s tie, and tells him he spent three wonderful weeks in the Lysefjorden region in the 1980s, while a problem with The Watch’s bilge tank was being sorted out.

  Drew looks around until he finds me, standing behind Per. He grins. ‘I thought I was smart in my penguin suit,’ he says. ‘But this young fella puts me in the shade.’

  Per finally turns and faces me. He’s much too polite to look me up and down, but he stares at my face for a moment. My straightened hair is in a ponytail; it’s smooth and glossy, and swings from side to side when I move. He glances at my shoes. I’m taller than usual in my heels. His eyes go to the V-neck of my dress.

  I frown. ‘What are you looking at?’

  ‘The dress,’ he says.

  It was inexpensive but it suits me. The slinky fabric clings to my breasts and hugs my bottom. It’s midnight blue and above-knee length, with shoestring straps. I’m wearing Mum’s necklace—a rope of tiny natural pearls. They disappear into my cleavage.

  ‘What about it?’

  ‘You’re cold.’

  ‘Piss off.’

  Per closes his eyes.

  Drew looks from Per to me. ‘Now, now, Harry,’ he says. ‘Maggie won’t approve of language like that. Neither will Matthew. Not that I’ll tell them. But it is chilly out. If you get a cold you’ll have to stay in your cabin. You’d rather be on the bridge, wouldn’t you?’ He takes off his coat. ‘So put this on, there’s a good girl.’

  My hands shake when I take Drew’s jacket and drape it around my shoulders. I can’t even look at Per.

  ‘That’s better,’ Drew says, winking at Per. ‘Maggie calls Harry her little ice-block.’

  Someone touches me on the shoulder. It’s Professor Tan. He kisses my cheek.

  ‘You look lovely, Harry,’ he says.

  I take a breath and give him a bright smile. ‘Thanks.’

  Tan shakes Per’s hand, and Drew’s. He tells Drew how delightful it is to see him again and they chat away like old friends, even though Drew has forgotten who Tan is. After a couple of minutes they walk together, arm in arm, through the doors to the foyer.

  ‘Harriet?’ Per’s voice is a rumble near my ear. I smell his fresh pine smell. ‘Jeg er lei meg.’

  Our eyes meet. His are so dark the irises and pupils appear to merge together.

  ‘I’m not in the mood for games,’ I say. ‘Especially with you. What does that mean?’

  ‘It means I’m sorry. Sincerely sorry.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You’re close to Drew. This must be extremely difficult for you.’

  ‘Is that all? You weren’t apologising because you forced me, blackmailed me, into bringing him here? Knowing if I didn’t do as you asked, Tan would make my life difficult? You wanted to question Drew. Didn’t you? About Brazil?’

  He hesitates. ‘Not specifically. But I thought he might be able to assist me. Yes.’

  ‘He can’t!’

  ‘I see that now.’

  When he reaches for my hand our eyes meet and his expression softens. He’s my least favourite person in the world right now but it’s all I can do not to bury my face against his neck—just like I do at the pool.

  When a car door slams behind us, I jump. Per tightens his grip on my hand.

  ‘Bli med meg,’ he says, threading his fingers through mine. ‘Come with me.’

  The feel of his hand is familiar and comforting. Too comforting. I’m not frightened, I’m not at the beach. I don’t want my stomach to flutter because he apologises. I don’t want to be weak and vulnerable and needy.

  It’s not easy to get him to relinquish my hand. Pulling it subtly doesn’t work, so I stop in the middle of the foyer and wrench it back. ‘Why didn’t you call me during the week? Liam said you would.’

  He reaches for my hand again.

  ‘Don’t touch me.’

  ‘Harriet, for fuck’s … After Friday, I thought we needed a break from the pool. I needed a break.’

  ‘Why?’

  He blinks. ‘Can’t you see what’s happening? You’re impossible.’

  ‘Du er umulig? Right?’

  We’re not far
from the ballroom and people are milling around. Some are smiling at me. Many are staring curiously at Per. He’s scowling, and probably counting to ten, but when I walk away he follows. We gather with the other guests and stare at the noticeboard. It’s silly because I know we’re on table one, and I’m sure Per knows it as well.

  Our table is at the front of the room and we pass scores of people as we walk towards it. Most know who I am, and I know quite a few of them. Many shake my hand, or kiss my cheek, or hug me, and I introduce Per to every one of them. He’s reserved and formal, but courteous as he answers their questions. He recognises Robbie from the photograph taken at the zoo, and asks him about the orangutan-breeding program. Tom Finlay has obviously talked to Per recently about The Adélie. They discuss the fit-out and readying her for Palau. Occasionally Per smiles stiffly at someone and says, ‘Please, call me Per,’ but hardly anyone does. Just like Helga told him on the beach a month ago, people like addressing him as ‘Commander.’

  ‘What happened to me again, Harry?’ Drew says.

  Per and Professor Tan, and the others at the table, have heard my response numerous times in the past two hours. I’m telling the same lie over and over.

  ‘You had some health problems Drew, back in January. It affected your memory.’

  ‘Well, fancy that. I feel perfectly well now.’

  ‘Course you do. You’re as fit as a fiddle. Just like you were when we did our Silk Road documentary. Why don’t you tell Professor Tan about that?’

  Drew frowns. And before he opens his mouth I sense this is going to be one of those times when he remembers something clearly.

  ‘It was a good break for us, wasn’t it, Harry?’ he says. ‘Your dad was in hospital again. And you’d been going through a tough time with Roger, and the nightmares—’

  ‘Excuse me, Captain McLeish,’ Per says, standing and gesturing to the table where Kat and the Torrens crew are sitting. ‘I have some colleagues who would like to meet you. Would you mind?’

  Drew and I are on the opposite side of the table to Per. I thought he’d been engrossed in his conversation with the woman sitting next to him. When I send him a grateful look his lip twitches, and all of a sudden I’m not nearly as resentful as I was. He’d like to know about Brazil, but he doesn’t want Drew to tell everyone how crazy I am.

  Per excuses himself to the woman he was talking to, and stands behind Drew’s chair. ‘Are you ready, sir?’ he says.

  Lisa Toohey—the TV journalist who wore the red sparkly dress to the orangutan function at the zoo—drops into Drew’s seat once he’s left with Per. She’s wearing a short black sparkly dress tonight, and looks just as beautiful up close as she does from a distance. She and her producer are thinking of running a few segments about Scott and Amundsen’s polar expeditions, and are interested in what the foundation is doing.

  ‘Professor Tan gave an inspirational speech tonight,’ she says. ‘Impressive man.’

  ‘He is.’

  ‘And Commander Amundsen is extraordinary.’

  ‘We were lucky he made it tonight because he’s often at sea. Make sure you get plenty of photos.’

  ‘We already have!’ She takes a sip of wine. ‘Does he happen to be the man you referred to in the speech you made at the zoo? The one who was critical of you because of what happened with The Watch?’

  I force a smile. ‘I grew up in front of a film crew, so I know better than to answer a question like that.’

  ‘Are you and Per … close?’ She touches my arm. ‘I saw you two outside.’

  Was that when I was holding Per’s hand, or accusing him of blackmail? I sip from my glass.

  ‘My teaching, my home life, my relationships, are private. I stopped answering questions about them years ago.’

  ‘I’m aware of that. But you and Per must spend a lot of time together. Anything could happen, surely?’

  After we’ve finished at the pool, whichever way it turns out, I won’t see much of him at all. So there’ll be no arguments, and there won’t be a mind-numbing physical attraction that makes me weak at the knees. Meaning there’ll be nothing that journalists can gossip about.

  ‘I’ll be doing what I’ve always done—working with the foundation to educate people about the environment, and supporting fundraising for research into environmental issues. Per will crew on the ship for a few Antarctic expeditions and carry out his research, which happens to be in line with the foundation’s interests.’ I reach for the wine bottle and top up her glass, smiling stiffly. ‘If you want access to me, or Per, it would be best if you asked questions about our work.’

  Lisa holds up her hands, and laughs. Her amber eyes are beautiful. I’d draw her as a leopard if I had the chance.

  ‘All right, Harriet,’ she says. ‘I get it.’ She looks over my shoulder.

  I don’t need to follow her gaze to know that Per has come back to the table. He’s not even touching me but the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end.

  He sits on my other side, in Tan’s chair.

  ‘Where’s Drew?’ I ask.

  Per frowns. ‘Liam’s just arrived. They’re on their way over.’

  Liam said he’d get here as quickly as he could after his shift at the hospital, so that he could take Drew back to his care home.

  ‘Drew gets tired in the evenings,’ I tell Per, as Drew walks to the table and kisses me goodbye.

  ‘What are we up to tomorrow, Harry?’ he says.

  ‘We’ll have breakfast at Palm Beach and then walk to the lighthouse. I’ll see you at eight.’

  ‘What! Six at the latest.’

  I laugh. ‘Seven.’

  Liam throws his arm around me, and begs a lift for him and his surf ski. ‘I’ll paddle while you walk.’ Lisa’s eyes have been glued to Liam since he got to the table. He’s wearing loose-fitting hospital garb that brings out the blue in his eyes, and his doctor ID is pinned to his chest. He needs a haircut. He grins at Lisa and shakes her hand. ‘See you on the telly,’ he says.

  We watch Liam and Drew leave the room. It takes a while because so many people chat to Drew on the way out. Lisa clears her throat.

  ‘Commander,’ she says, ‘the fundraising effort for The Adélie, I’m keen to know how you’re involved.’

  Per looks from Lisa to me. ‘Should I answer that, Harriet, or leave it to you?’

  He doesn’t want to be involved in anything to do with the foundation. All he wants is the use of the ship. But it’s not like he’s opposed to what the foundation is doing, and it’s important that he seems interested.

  ‘The commander does a lot of work for the Scott and Amundsen posts. I couldn’t cope without his input. This isn’t fundraising as such, but it raises the profile of the foundation and highlights the polar melt issue.’ I turn my back on Lisa and put my hand on Per’s arm, opening my eyes wide. ‘That’s right, isn’t it, Per?’

  He tenses up everywhere. His arm is rock hard. He stands, nods abruptly to Lisa, and gives me an arctic smile.

  ‘Harriet,’ he says. ‘May I have a word? In private.’

  He ignores everyone who looks our way as he strides from the room.

  CHAPTER

  25

  ‘Your comments on my drafts for the website sort of help,’ I say. ‘So what’s the big deal? Why make such a fuss? You’re so … so …’

  ‘Truthful?’ Per says, jutting out his chin. ‘Honest? Are those the words you’re searching for? The words you’re not familiar with?’

  We’re facing each other in the only place the concierge could come up with when Per marched to his desk and demanded somewhere private. It’s the ‘bride and groom’s retreat’, reserved for newlyweds who have their receptions in the ballroom. In the middle of the room there’s a spindly-legged chaise lounge upholstered in silver-grey and light blue satin. Two heart-shaped cushions are propped against the armrest. The only other furniture is a standard lamp and a narrow table. A white candelabrum, festooned with crystal baubles, dominates
the table top.

  ‘You’re too truthful,’ I say.

  ‘There’s no such thing. You’re either truthful or you’re not. I am, you’re not. You lied to that journalist. And while we’re on today’s transgressions, Tan thinks you’re hiding something. Something to do with Drew.’

  ‘Bullshit.’

  ‘Liar.’

  I turn my back and walk the few steps to the window. The curtains are drawn. They’re made out of the same material as the chaise lounge and are overly long, so the fabric pools on the floor. Their ropes and tassels hang on hooks either side of the window. I reach for a tassel and run the long silver and blue threads through my fingers until I can trust myself to speak calmly.

  ‘What Tan suspects is of no real importance now, anyway. And I can handle it.’

  ‘Like you handled The Watch going down? And your fear of the water? You’ve been trouble since the moment we met.’

  I turn and face him. ‘You’re going back to Antarctica in December, aren’t you? I’m not all bad news.’

  ‘You were lucky. The foundation backed your ideas, and so did I. It wouldn’t have happened otherwise.’

  I turn my back on him again, twisting the tassel threads together. ‘Yeah, well, I’m a team player. Not a commander like you.’

  Within a heartbeat he’s behind me, breathing down my neck. ‘You have an impeccable environmental pedigree. You’re smart and passionate. The people here tonight would follow you just about anywhere.’

  ‘You wouldn’t.’

  ‘I wouldn’t because you’re impetuous, reckless …’

  ‘Is that all?’

  ‘No. You scare me half to death.’

  I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘Stop lecturing me.’

  ‘Gladly, when you stop diving in at the deep end.’

  Without any warning, an image of the pool comes into my mind. The water will be at my chest if we go to step four. It’ll lap around Per’s throat. Lights flash before my eyes so unexpectedly that I don’t realise what’s happening at first. But then the nausea starts and it’s all I can do to stay upright.